February 2, 2013

I realized it's been since December 2011 since my last post.  I'm so glad my wife suggested I create this blog as it allows me to reflect on my journey since making the decision to become alcohol free.  It's also allowed me to share this story for a few interested family and friends but perhaps more important, its allowed me to share with a few people interested in a similar journey.

Cutting to the chase, I remain completely alcohol free.  The only kinda/sorta slip was this last Christmas when I mowed into a piece of dessert before asking about the contents.  It was a rum cake and I gotta tell you it was obvious as soon as I took my first bite.  I didn't finish it and quickly realized I need to be careful during this season.

So, for me the Shick Shadel treatment has worked perfectly.  I remain repulsed with the thought of drinking but more importantly the treatment allowed me to put enough distance from alcohol that I understand I can live without it.  Life has become so much better for me and my immediate family.  I no longer have the erratic behavior which had become so common.  Of course, this is not to say I'm perfect.  Sometimes I revert back to the jerk I can be or blurt out what I think is funny which can be in poor taste but what the heck...who's perfect?

It's been since Nov, 2010 that I've woke up with a hangover or the shame of losing control due to another night of binge drinking.  I can now comfortably go into a social setting where alcohol is being consumed without the least bit of interest in joining in on the drinkfest.  It remains a bit challenging to speak with people who are buzzed...especially with someone slamming the red wine.  Did you ever notice how pungent red wine is...???  The wine smell is not only strong but generally the red color has completely affected the teeth, and rest of the inside of the mouth of the person drinking.  It's like talking to a vampire who just feasted.  You really notice this when not drinking and especially after experiencing the Duffy treatment (yuck).  The other thing that's challenging is having a conversation with someone you know who is buzzed or drunk.  I notice the change in consciousness of the person who has been drinking.  They really change and become very difficult to relate to.  It seems to be a waste of time and immediately has me thinking of getting away from them ASAP.  Thsi is probably not completely fair to the person drinking but it is what it is.

My drink of choice remains cranberry juice + club soda. I drink alot more coffee and occassionally tea. When I go out to dinner (which for my family is often) I generally just drink water. In social settings it amazes me how often the non-alcoholic drinks are so limited. I never drink non-alcoholic beer, wine or champagne as the makers of these drinks attempt to flavor these like the real thing.  I remain extremely cautious of waking the sleeping beast who has the insatiable thirst for alcohol.

My marriage is at an alltime high with regard to respect, love and affection.  It as now a partnership with the trust restored.  We will be celebrating our 25th anniversary this year which is remarkable since we had been so close to complete collapse just a few short years ago.  My sobriety is a gift to my family and society in general but more importantly it is a gift I've given myself.  My path is no longer littered with empty bottles of alcohol or erratic behavior.  I am nothing close to being perfect but at least I no longer have this destructive item in my life. 

That's about all for now!

December 6, 2011 - 1st year anniversary

Well - here I am a full 1 year out of the program.  I actually had business in Seattle today so I'm typing this from the SSH computer.  The folks in the green bathrobes are filing past me into the conference room while I'm sitting here in my sport coat, tie, etc. following another day in the life...
All continues to go well and is only getting better.  Everything is getting better now that alcohol is not a crutch or considered an option.  I'm just loving life!  Now this may seem pretty weird but the truth is that life is great...this isn't to say that some days are better than others or that sometimes the craziness of it all seems overwhelming.  I've learned so much this past year and have comfort knowing that much of life is simply out of my control.  That is with one big exception...which is the previous enslavement to alcohol that I had experienced.  I am truely free from the chains of alcohol!
I will stay committed to this which in the long run will not only benefit me but will also benefit those around me.  Most importantly this will benefit my immediate family for whom I dedicate my life.

Over and out for now...

Long overdue update - Sept 14, 2011

Well...judging by the date of my previous post, this is an overdue entry to say the least.  My last post was back in January during my 1st recap and since it's now early September, of course, much has happened.  To cut to the chase, I'm very proud to honestly declare that I've been 100% clean and sober since checking out of SSH last December!  That is, not one sniff, sip, gargle, or even whiff of the dreaded 2 carbon compound better known as ethanol.  With all my travel (Delta Gold - quickly headed to Platinum) I've literally had dozens of opportunities to jump back into the insanity while cloaked in relative anonymity.  I remind myself that if I do start drinking, I know there isn't enough alcohol in the world to satisfy my thirst...so just best to never open that door again.  I WILL NEVER OPEN THAT DOOR AGAIN!
The treatment at SSH definitely gave me the tools I needed to get me to where I am however I've also seen that the treatment is not a guarantee.  I've personally seen a few of graduates slip back into their old self destructive habits...yes, addictions are a tough road and the fact is that there is no absolute cure with the exception of total abstinence.  But seriously, we are a special breed whereas the only surefire cure is to stay away from alcohol.  The choice to stop requires a full commitment on behalf of the patient.  On the bright side, with full commitment, comes a multitude of benefits. 
The past 8 months have been challenging in many aspects of life.  My family dynamic has had it's ups and downs but with my current ability to handle stress and no longer contribute to the chaos, our home is now more of a safe zone than the poison palace it had been.  It continues to be difficult for me to realize the precious time I wasted and the damage I inflicted on my family while under the influence.  I am a different person but refuse to forget the darkness lurking in the bottle.
My wife continues to be extremely supportive and has been throughout my recovery.  As we approach our 23rd wedding anniversary (Sept 17) I reflect on the wedding vow I made to her and all of our friends that I would be a good husband and partner through life.  My dear, I intend to hold up my end of the promise...
My son just turned 18 and is exercising his need to be independent...at least in his choices of his life's direction.  This is a challenge for any parent of which I'm probably typical whereas I still think of him as a child needing my direction.  This at times does add to the stress although it shouldn't...he's a great young man and needs to follow his own path in life.  I only hope he always remembers that his mom and I are his most loyal teammates.
I've had a few people reach out to me via this blog.  It gives me no greater pleasure than to correspond with folks in a similar situation.  You have my utmost empathy as it is a hellish trip we've taken. 
A key to my success is to constantly remind myself that my choice to forever stay away from alcohol is just that...my choice.  This is the ultimate gift I can give myself and the beauty of it is that this gift is also good for my family, who I love more than anything.  The gift also touches my extended family and society in general.  How's that for a selfish gift?  This choice positively affects those who I love more than anything and even positively touches the entire world...gotta love that!

I guess that's about all for now...Life is Good.

Schick Shadel - 1st Recap

Well...here we go with my long anticipated 1st recap.  Recap is the term given to the 2 scheduled return visits intended for aversion reinforcement.  The recap consists of meeting with counselors, group meetings, one sleepy and one duffy.  This takes place over two days.
I checked in yesterday and was fortunate that my wife was able to join me during the check-in process and then attend the evening meeting with me.  It was a very good opportunity for her to see, touch and smell the facility.  The meeting topic was "family" where we quickly became the meeting focus as we were able to share our real-life expereince.  Many in the group were very engaged with our comments as more than few were heading back to similar scenarios.  We shared our expereince and fielded a number of questions from the group.
Our situation is moving in a very positive direction although I'd be lying if I said it's been easy. 
The therapy here does an excellent job in getting rid of the cravings so alcohol has not be the biggest challenge.  The tough part has been dealing with all the pain and suffering caused by the addiction while trying to heal a damaged relationship.  Try doing this while juggling a demanding job, getting through the holidays, bringing in a New Year....
Anyway, it was great to share re-entry into the program with my wife.  She'll be joining me again tonight for the 7pm meeting.
Today was a sleepy for me.  It's kind of wierd since I never remember a thing and then am always blown away that my answers seem well thought and coherent.  Unfortunately I don't get to see the results until tomorrow but I'm hopeful that all the responses suggest that in my subconscious I am believing that I'm getting better.
I didn't realize it but I did meet with one of the counselors with other recappers to review the sleepy results.   I was pretty happy with the results and look forward to sharing them with my family.  It all seems to be working as expected...at least at a subconscious level!
The 7pm meeting was very well attended.  Alfred gave the talk which means it was very lively.  The topics covered included "The Effect of Familial Trauma on Children" + "Handling Insecurity".  Both topics were extremely relevant to both my wife and I...I'm so glad she was able to attend and experience a very powerful group meeting.
I just saw the schedule where I'm listed for a 7:30am Duffy!!!???   Oh well...happy Sunday!

Schick Shadel - Day 9

Today's entry will be a bit brief.  I continued receiving excellent care and counseling today but was faced with a realization that my family at home is simply waiting in a sort of suspended animation for my return. SSH does offer family counseling which I will suggest on either a call-in or the next time we find ourselves in Seattle. There is also a support group that meets every week in my home town. The fact is that it will take time for the wounds to heal and it will only be through my honest commitment will we get past this dark period.
Tomorrow is my final treatment (Duffy #5).  I've scheduled my 30 and 90 day "Recaps" which will be icing on the cake to keep me from relapsing.
I'm tired and am about out of things to say through this blog for now.  The program has been excellent and now it's in my court to make the necessary discoveries and changes to get my life back on track. 


Good night...

Schick Shadel - Day 8

Well - here we are at Day 8...more accurately the end of Day 8.  Like the others, today started with the 6:30am BOC meeting, followed by a wonderful breakfast and then the first group meeting of the day. Sam the counselor led the BOC and first meeting of the day. BOC and the subsequent meeting focused on identifying who we really are and what our personal needs of fulfillment might be. The focus was basically that until we can satisfy our own needs that it will be very difficult to positively interact with others. It was a very good discussion and frankly one that made me a bit uncomfortable. Obviously this is an area that needs some work! Sam gave some good handouts with exercises we will work on in our spare time. The other morning talk Sam gave was on the Drama Triangle. This is something everyone is exposed to where the Drama Triangle includes the following roles:  Victim/Martyr;  Offender;  Rescuer. Each of the roles is required and is complex enough that during the drama people can actually manipulate the situation and switch roles.  I've personally spent way too much time in this triangle in the past. The crazy part is that adding alcohol into the drama triangle was certainly like adding gasoline to the fire. 
Since Duffy #4 was scheduled for 3pm, the rest of my morning was spent working on the various reading, handouts and hydrating for the inevitable.
Duffy #4 was definitely the most challenging so far. Once I walked out of the room my scrubs top was drenched in sweat.  I really wanted this one to give me extreme discomfort and the bartender did not disappoint. Sabina had the day off but Florence definitely stepped up to the plate. I did not come out of my room until 5pm and was pretty wiped out.
Dinner was at 6pm and our final group meeting started at 7pm. Alfred led a great discussion on "Overcoming Invisibility".  Personally this topic addressed the many masks I had tended to wear...another example of difficulty in being "myself"...whoever that is! As I mentioned previously, this is an area that needs work.
Each day ends with a comment from everyone (in-patients, visiting graduates and phone-ins). This is always challenging for me as I am grateful for so many things. My comment today was that I am grateful for Schick Shadel and that they are not only providing relief from the alcohol insanity but that the program provides so much education to address our ultimate goal of becoming better human beings. As always, I am forever grateful for family and can't wait to get back home and give everyone a big hug.
Oh yes...and although I haven't updated this item for a couple of days, I'm still managing to get in a 6.2 mile run/day. Some days tougher than others but still getting in the exercise and feeling a great sense of accomplishment for doing this little bit for myself.
Good night for now...

Schick Shadel - Day 7

I'm actually writing this on day 8 since yesterday was pretty jam packed and a bit disorganized due to the 75th Anniversary celebration.  The folks here are pretty proud of the anniversary which is understandable.
The day started like all the others with the 6am wake-up, 6:30 BOC meeting and then 7:30am group meeting.  Day 7 was a Sleepy day for me.  I found out a little more about the Sleepy today. The whole idea of sedation therapy was refined when war veterans were returning from WWII.  These war veterans were suffering from "shell shock" (now referred to as PTSD) and it was discovered that a very effective treatment was sedation therapy. During this therapy the veterans were given positive suggestive therapy which became embedded in their subconscious and was very effective in giving them a positive outlook enabling them to function more normally in society. At Schick Shadel the Sleepy therapy is two-fold. They ask a series of questions to assist in determining how the other therapies are going (Duffy and education). This is combined with positive suggestive therapy to give great reinforcements to the patients self-esteem, etc. Kind of cool when you think about it and it explains a little better of why we tend to feel so good following each Sleepy.  Following each Sleepy we then meet with a Counselor and review our responses.  It's always amazing to me to go through the process since I remember absolutely ZERO of the questions and responses while the treatment is administered.  My responses are so well thought and coherent...really weird stuff!
We met today with the COO of Schick Shadel who happens to be a former patient and former CEO of PetCo. He reviewed his personal and family struggles with addictions where the family finally came to the realization that addiction was genetically coded for himself, his wife and each of the children.  All of them were touched in some manner or another with addiction.  This was a powerful talk and reinforced yet again that most of the patients here have much in common. 
Pat O'Day was our final speaker of the evening.  This was a very uplifting talk and very informative of the background of the treatment protocol. Pat gave the background of the Sleepy (WWII vets) and of how the Duffy's are intended to get to the reptilian signaling of the brain. Pat was very clear that although the treatment is very effective in shutting off the craving, we cannot ever be social drinkers...we cannot ever awaken the receptors the treatment so effectively shut off.  Pat asked that we do not refer to ourselves as "alcoholics" or "recovering alcoholics" which are terms commonly used in AA circles. Pat asked that we consider ourselves "non-users".  I can definitely live with this description and intend to use this if asked.
My roommate continues to kill me with his snoring.  I gave it another try last night and had to eventually cram the ear plugs so deep into my ears that I had a hard time getting the plugs out in the morning. It's probably time to ask for a new room if one's available.
The staff here at SH are just wonderful. They treat the patients with respect and are so committed to our recovery it is very heartwarming. I continue building relationships with other patients and now find myself sharing tidbits of information with some of the newer patients coming into the program. 
Tomorrow (today) is my Duffy #4. So this will be 16 drinks and will definitely get to the reptilian part of my brain.  I'm embracing this treatment and am looking forward to extinguishing that part of me which I hope to forever suppress. 
More later...

Schick Shadel - Day 6

Day 6 started with a bit of trepidation because I had my 3rd Duffy scheduled. The routine continues with the 6am wake up and 6:30am BOC meeting. It's been slightly busy at the hospital since they are getting ready for their 75th anniversary which is tomorrow. It's amazing how much cleaning, painting, carpet cleaning, etc is going on. I guess they plan to have a number of local celebrities and politicians on site tomorrow. I guess when you think of it, 75 years is a pretty big deal and I'm sure I'll get many more statistics of the facility tomorrow. Fortunately I have a Sleepy planned tomorrow so my frame of mind should be pretty upbeat for the hoopla. Pat O'Day (Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame and SSH graduate) will be speaking to the group this evening. 

Today's BOC meeting focused yet again on the Four Agreements. This really is a great book and I'll be very tempted to preach with this once I'm released from the Asylum.  Just kidding but honestly it's a great book.  In hindsight, I only wish I could have embraced the book years ago when my wife originally exposed me to it.

The second meeting was led by Jerome and asked us to consider who we were when we walked through the door on our 1st day and who we want to be when we leave on day 10. The discussion of course went much deeper than that but to go into much more detail would take more time than I'm allotted on the computer. I was able to move my Duffy start time up due to a gap in the schedule and started at 12:15pm. This was #3 so it included 12 drinks with numerous "flush and fill's" scattered in between. I specifically requested Sabina again since she is definitely my favorite bartender.

I did get a new roommate last night who snored terribly all night long. Kinda of weird but he even stayed in the room while I was getting ill from my Duffy. Not only did he stay in the room but he actually dozed off and started snoring!!??  Anyone reading this should take note that Duffy etiquette would suggest that you leave the room until the entire treatment is over. My previous roommate from BC gave me good coaching on this proper behavior.

I'll try and give another update following the Pat O'Day talk.
As it turns out Pat O'Day did not make it to the talk. The staff had their holiday party which must have gone a bit late. No big deal since I was pretty wiped out and of course had plenty of homework to keep my busy.  Below is a picture of the infamous Duffy room. There are actually 4 of these set up and they keep them pretty busy with morning and afternoon treatments. The goal of the treatment room is to provide a very negative stimulus of both sight and smell with a longer term effect of shutting off brain receptors which lead to craving when we associate alcohol and/or drugs.

Bye for now....

Schick Shadel - Day 5

Today started like most with the Breakfast of Champions meeting at 6:30am. I had another great night of sleep which probably goes to show how much better I sleep without any alcohol polluting my system. The topic of the BOC meeting was an analysis of the "Me" versus the "I" whereas the "Me" is how we project ourselves to others and the "I" is how we perceive ourselves. The outcome of the discussion was to ask us to consider how to first remove the addiction and then strengthen the "I" so that the "Me" no longer is an imposter. This might sound a bit confusing but made a lot of sense when explained by Paula.
The second meeting was very interesting as the SSH Medical Director led a discussion on the Genetics and Neurobiology of Addiction. The Neurobiology piece explained the issue of Cross Addiction and why it's ill advised for someone addicted to one drug attempt to substitute another...e.g. an alcoholic stops drinking but starts to smoke marijuana. This again had a lot to do with the production of dopamine and the effects of the receptors, etc. He also discussed the effects of alcohol on REM sleep in that it disrupts the REM multiple times throughout the night. So although you might appear as though you've slept through the night you actually get very little rest. I must say that this hit home to me as I personally experienced this too many times in the past. 
I then had my second Sleepy. These are actually pretty cool in that it's relatively painless but they ask a me a series of questions while I'm sedated. The responses are then reviewed with a counselor to see if there are any subconsious issues still needing to be addressed. Happy to say that most of my responses were predictable and no additional areas of therapy were identified.
We have one more group meeting this evening which is led by a group of SSH Graduates. These are always interesting as they generally have some great insight regarding what it takes to stay sober once they've concluded the treatment.
The churn of the turnstiles continues with people completing their 10 days and others just starting. I met one young man who was still in detox for opiate addiction. He looked pretty out of it still but like most he'll be a different person when he leaves. Then of course, like the rest of us it will be up to him to use the information given to stay away from his addictions. I did lose one really great guy today. He's a local to the area so hopefully I'll see him again when I stop by for meetings while I'm in town.
I have Duffy #3 tomorrow. This will be the usual assualt of emetine + vasodialator followed this time by 12 drinks.  I requested Sabina again as she is my bartender of choice. She's just just so darn nice and positive as the puke bowl begins to fill.
That's about all for now...time to get some homework done and get some rest for tomorrow.

Shick Shadel - Day 4

Day 4 was an action packed day...full of great education and the misery of Duffy #2. The education part continued with more discussions on domestication. Again, domestication is how we are molded in our early years. It's explained that when born, we're pretty much a clean template regarding many of our "laws" or rules which we associate with what is expected, acceptable or considered normal. This is typically the set of rules our parents, teachers, etc. imprint within each of us during this period in our lives. Domestication is the framework in which we all live with whereas some of this is very positive and some, not so much. It's the not so much stuff that we've been asked to look at closely and to start developing strategies to modify.  Real powerful stuff for a 6:30am meeting!
The second meeting of the day was delivered by Jerome and had to do with making ourselves "Bullet Proof" once we leave SSH. By Bullet Proof, this is intended to give us strategies to deal with bullets which might fly our way once we return home. The bullets can come from anywhere to include our own health, relationships, finances, etc. The bullets hit the triggers which may cause a relapse so you can imagine how important having a great bullet proof vest is once we leave. Each of us decorated a vest with thoughts of how we will cope with the bullets.   thought mine was pretty cool and will definitely hang on to this as a great reminder of how I will stay true to my new goals.
Following the second meeting I had my Duffy #2. I was pretty scared going into this one since Duffy #1 really kicked my butt. Sabina was my "bartender". Shes a very caring nurse who is just wonderful in her goal to get us to hate the sight, smell and even thought of alcohol. So we went through the routine of the vasodialator, emetine, and this time was 8 drinks in rapid succession.  I started barfing after drink #2.  Sabina gives you just enough time to wipe your face before she hands you the next drink.  Just think of that, puking after drink #2 with 6 more to go!!! They have you barf into a stainless steel bowl right at nose level. Of couse this does not drain so you get to smell and stare at this throughout the process. Then, just to keep the imprint more visual, there is a mirror right in front of you also so you get to see how great you look while getting through the process. Following a final barf after #8, I'm escorted back to my room with another bucket in the room to catch whatever's left. Then Sabina comes into the room about 30 minutes later with a final drink (referred to as the "Butterfly") of warm beer + emetine which basically empties the rest of the tank...literally!  Then we have to stay in bed for 3 hours with the barf bucket and a rancid rag soaked with various types of alcohol to include vodka, tequila, red wine, brandy, gin, etc.  Needless to say, it's a long 3 hours with plenty of time for reflection. They say once we're done with the treatment, it's difficult to even walk down the wine aisle at the store without getting sick to the stomach.
Once I recovered and got some dinner, I attended a final group meeting delivered by Alfred on the topic of Overcoming Helplessness. Another great talk which included some homework I worked on until about 11pm.
A highlight of the day was to call to my wife. It's very helpful to continue having her genuine love and support from home. I had taken so much for granted and I'm very hopeful that my stay here will help me get my life back on track. I know that all of my loved ones only wish for this, nothing more or less. Talk about a win-win situation!
Tomorrow (Dec. 1) is my Sleepy (sedation therapy) #2. The Sleepy's are a walk through the garden compared to the Duffy so this should be a great day!

That's about all for now....

Schick Shadel - Day 3

Today's day was quite a bit more relaxing than yesterday. As usual, the day starts with a 6am wake up. Blood pressure and weigh-in. I've run 6.2 miles (10K) each day since getting here and even with that, plus all the puking yesterday, I've only lost 3 pounds (which is good since I'm not here for weight reduction).  This is really a testament to the copious amount of food available. They have a great cafeteria which will basically make anything we want. There is a item of the day but they'll whip up pretty much anything. I've actually been really good about my intake and have been focusing on healthy foods. Generally I have oatmeal for breakfast and heavy on the vegetables/salad for the rest of the day. Trying to keep meat as a side dish and not a main course. Following the final meeting of the day they put out a tray of raw vegetables, ham and turkey sandwiches and tasty cookies. This usually happens at 9pm and is meant for the patients who have missed meals for obvious reasons.
The day today was full of great group meetings, my 1st "Sleepy" and a 1:1 meeting with a counselor to discuss the responses I gave while sedated (my subconsious tell-all).
The first meeting focused on the Domestication piece discussed in the Four Agreements book. An excellent discussion of how we develop our beliefs and thoughts of what we consider to be acceptable behaviors. The second meeting was a great discussion of how alcohol, opiates, marijuana, methamphetamine and cocaine affect the dopamine receptors in the brain. Essentially this was a great biology review of why we crave and get so damn crazy when we're on the drug of choice. The third meeting was with a bunch of previous graduates who shared tales of reentry into the real world.
The sedation therapy was actually kind of cool. They wheeled us into a room in a sort of reclining chair and insert an IV line. The anesthesiologist then starts the drip while the counselor starts asking a series of questions. I swear that the last thing I remember is joking a bit with the counselor and then waking up. I'm thinking that the follow-up interview will be extremely boring since I'm sure that if I did say anything that it must have been incoherent. To my surprise the follow-up interview actually had fairly long, involved responses which were prefectly coherent and seemingly well thought. Gratefully, there were no real surprises which means that I've been pretty honest since commiting to recovery.
Tomorrow is my second Duffy. I've heard this is a real doozy so I'll be sure to share the gritty details. Apparently during this Duffy treatment they administer the "Butterfly" which has been quite a challenge for most in the extreme lower intestine area...if you know what I mean.
I'm a bit bummed that I lose my roommate tomorrow. I've been very fortunate to have my new friend from BC to show me the ropes and answer a bunch of my questions. He is scheduled for his 5th and final Duffy and then discharged around noon. He's definitely my hero and actually made a great comment at the Gratitude meeting this evening. J mentioned that we all came here to get our addictions addressed but the big surprise is that we'd take away tools and information to actually make us better human beings, aside from coming out of here sober. I appreciate this thoughtful comment and firmly believe he is spot on.
I had a chance to read more of the book from Kathleen S, titled "Drink Up".  If you'd like to learn more details of the program, I encourage you to read this book. It is very accurate and much better written than this blog. The only thing that has changed slightly is the schedule of Duffy's whereas Kathleen had her first 3 back-to-back. This has changed as they now alternate the Duffy's every other day. Everything else Kathleen writes really touches my heart since as I've mentioned before, folks here have so much in common. 
We had one old timer stop by who had is treatment back in 1969 (and he's been sober ever since!).  He said that back in his time they gave the Duffy's on each of the 10 days and had to share a room with 4 other patients!!! He didn't mention hiking 2 miles in the snow each way to the treatment and since he's a 4 Agreement subscriber, I believe him. I'm just grateful that Schick has modified the Duffy schedule.

Good night for now...

Schick Shadel Day 2

Starting to get the hang of the routine. Each day starts with a 5:45 am wake up call. Someone comes into the room to take blood pressure, temperature and everyone weighs in. With all the puking going on, they don't want anyone to lose too much weight too quickly.
Each morning then starts with a morning group session. Today's was a continuation meeting focusing on the book "The Four Agreements" with today being the 4th Agreement (Always do your best). This session is called BOC or Breakfast of Champions. What a great way to start the day! Perhaps not as intellectually stimulating as the NYT but spiritually much more rewarding. This is followed by a real breakfast and then a second group session which in this case was led by a former Schick Shadel graduate (Kathleen S.) who then wrote a book called "Drink Up! A Recovery Road Less Traveled".  Kathleen gave everyone a copy of her book which was really cool. It was an excellent session with someone who has been sober since 2005.
My Duffy will be this afternoon so I plan to get a run in this morning. Plan to get another 10K in and then do some more reading prior to my Duffy.  Out for now...

Finally getting around to my evening journal entry. Today was a transformational day for me in many ways. I began to open up a bit and talk to more of the fellow patients. It's just amazing how similar all our stories are with the alcohol illness. Crossing paths outside of the Schick facility would leave me thinking that we likely have nothing in common...what a mistake that would be as we all have so much in common. The families we've affected, the deceit, the self doubt, etc, etc.  It's also great to see the patients begin to change as their sobriety kicks in. The group meetings will also typically be attended by a few of the former patients, either returning for their 30 day or 90 day treatment. They are generally very positive about their experiences but also very honest with their struggles. One made a comment today that the in-patient treatments only give a moderate amount of support to resist the cravings but all have stressed that it's the other "homework" given which eventually empowers them to make life changes. We got a few more reading suggestions to include a couple focused on Family Healing. One book is called "The Family Recovery" and the other is called "The Voice of Knowledge". I'll definitely be sent home with some excellent reading material which will be great for me and perhaps something for the family.

So here is some detail on my Duffy.  This is the most intense self-inflicted therapy I've ever had...no exception. The treatment starts with a requirement to drink at least 64 oz of water within 2 hours of the aversion. Once your number is called they take you into a very small room with a nurse. I was given an injection of a vasodialator which give a sensation of a fever, immediately followed by a fairly large dose of emetine. They give each drug about 15 minutes to start working and then start with the alcohol exposure.  My drink of choice was vodka so this is the primary type of alcohol they used. They first start with 2 undiluted shots that we are instructed to swish in our mouth and spit out. By the time this starts, I'm getting some real strong stomach distress but not quite throwing up. This is then followed by 2 larger shots which are diluted in water. We are instructed to drink these quickly. I guess about 10 seconds following the second "drink" my flood gates opened full blast. I threw up and I had full-blown flu symptoms to include sweats, shaking and throwing up. Once I was able, I was given one last shot of emetine + warm beer and sent back to my room. They send you back to the room with a small towel soaked in vodka, tequila and red wine. We are then instructed to lay in bed with the alcohol soaked towel close to our bed and remain in bed for the next 3 hours. We're given a bucket to throw-up into and I probably did not stop until about 1.5 hours later.  This was absolutely intense! I'm totally freaked out at the thought of another. The 1st Duffy has us take 4 shots total, the 2nd has us take 8 shots, the 3rd has us take 12 shots, the 4th has us take 16 shots and the final one is 20 shots. Now, since none of this actually stays in the gut long enough to be absorbed, the only outcome is getting totally ill...not that getting drunk was actually ever what I called "fun" but this definitely gives one a new appreciation of how toxic the alcohol actually is.
The 3 hours in the room is supposed to give us time to reflect on the damage alcohol has done in our lives.  It's a pretty powerful tool since here I am in bed (I was actually in the fetal position) in agony with a rancid towel next to my nose reflecting on what went wrong to get me here and what I need to do to get back on track. It was during this time that I believe for the first time I found forgiveness for my father. I just know that if he could see me here that he would be extremely sorry and that he would be proud that I took this life changing step.
Tomorrow is another day. The treatment de jour is the sedation treatment. Most affectionately refer to this as a "Sleepy" treatment. Some speak highly of the treatment but all I know is that I have to fast and my treatment doesn't even start until 11:45am so I'm hoping for a good lunch menu.

That's about all for tonight...good night.

Schick Shadel Day 1

This is my official day #1 even though I checked in yesterday. I guess the first day gives staff an opportunity to determine the patient's status. This place handles all types of addictions so you might imagine some of the poor souls in here. I've heard all types of comments of various addictions to include amphetamines, cocaine, marijuana, oxycotin, heroin, and of course my personal favorite – alcohol. Each day starts at 6am with a wake-up call. They take our blood pressure and ask everyone to weigh in. Various vital signs are monitored since the therapies are fairly extreme. The aversion therapy includes either violent vomiting (referred to as the "Duffy") or shock treatment. A pre-aversion visit with a physician determines which type of aversion therapy will be used but with my relatively good health, I'm pretty sure it will be the Duffy. The other treatment is the sedation therapy. Since this is a heavy sedative, the patient's health must also be closely monitored.
So far this morning I've had an orientation meeting and a counseling session. Next is my visit with the physician. Other than that, it's pretty quiet so I'll probably start digging into some of the material we've been given. I already have two short books (The 4 Agreements and Emotional Sobriety) and the book my brother-in-law lent me (Skeletons of the Zahara). Given my busy calendar today (just kidding), I'll likely have time to read all of them.

Here's my second post of the day:
As I mentioned previously, today is a relatively quiet day. Was able to get a fair amount of reading in and get a run in on the treadmill. Ran my usual 10K and had moderate energy. Today included a counseling session, meeting with the Medical Director, relaxation session and two separate group sessions. Seems like a busy schedule but when you're stuck inside all day the time just sort of creeps by. My big event tomorrow is my 1st Duffy. Apparently they serve multiple drinks of whatever your favorite drink was...in my case it will be Vodka. Not because I actually liked it but because I thought it was the one I could conceal from the family.  Little did I know that it's impossible to conceal being a erratic alcoholic. Should be an enlightening day!
My roomate is scheduled for his 5th Duffy tomorrow. He's a bit nervous on the one hand but also pretty proud to be on the backside of his treatment.

More to share tomorrow...

Day 0.5 continued

Just getting ready to call it a day.  Have checked into the "Hospital". I put this into quotations since the only thing Schick Shadel deals with is addiction recovery...yes, it is saving lives but not performing cardiac surgery or cancer care, hence the quotations.
I've met some real characters so far. The fellow inmates range from my roomate who seems to be very similar to me in his addiction to many others with similar to much worse challenges. I'm grateful to be here with the support of my dear family. The encouragement from fellow patients is quite good. There are also a few that are returning for their 30 day and 60 day visits. All speak to their experience of being alcohol free with no urges to drink since their treatment.
Tomorrow is a series of introductory meetings whereas the real hardcore stuff starts on Sunday.

Good night...

Day 0.5 / Nov 26, 2010

Well…here I am at the airport waiting for my flight to Seattle. It is the day after Thanksgiving so the crowds are actually pretty light and most of the travelers appear relatively relaxed. I guess most folks are either at work, relaxing with family or dealing with the shopping frenzy chasing after the hyped deals of black Friday. Not me…I’m here at the airport in a sort of self imposed isolation getting ready for the trip of a lifetime. Off to an alcohol recovery stay at Schick Shadel.  Ten days in all which should be quite the experience. Life changing I hope!

The story that brings me here is quite long so I won’t bore anyone with the details and actually prefer to reserve this sort of information for my immediate family. I will say that alcohol has been my demon for many years and since being completely sober for the past week I’m starting to remember how great it feels with the demon in a vault. I begin this journey with mixed feelings. On the one hand I feel like an utter failure by succumbing to the same thing that killed my father and has affected other members of my family. On the other hand, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to continue having the support of a loving wife, son, sister in law and brother in law.  My mother and brothers and their families are not in the loop yet but I’m sure I also have their support. Gratefully, I haven’t ruined our family financially or allowed the alcohol to affect my career but the killer came dreadfully close to completely ruining my family. If I can actually beat the beast of alcoholism back into its cage my life still looks pretty darn promising. I look forward to the day that alcohol no longer controls my life and this new found power allows me to be the person I want to be. 

Checking out for now...